for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
