I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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