Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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