I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
