end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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