I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
