I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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