This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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