I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
