how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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