I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
