did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
