I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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