bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
