So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
