just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
