FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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