It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
