cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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