Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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