My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
