There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There's always time for handjobs
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
