She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
