you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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