He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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