May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize