1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
