Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
