Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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