What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You can't special order awesome
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
