if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
