You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
