I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
