So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize