its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
