Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
