Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
