just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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