I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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