I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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