My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
please don't ironically join a cult
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