i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
