the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
