im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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