I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
