The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
