Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The cops high fived after they tackled you
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize