So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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