come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
