just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
