after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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