I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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