Got a toothbrush?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
