M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
