Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
