im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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