u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
