hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
