Nicole vs. Life
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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