Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
