I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
